It's been three months, time that has seemed to speed by in the blink of an eye without me even realizing. I have really struggled to say the least through this time, I don't like to show my emotion or talk about things. I have spoke to God, I have been at a loss of words, I have been mad, and empty. Even though I prayed every day for God to show me what to do or where to go from here, how to move on, I didn't feel I was getting an answer... but I kept praying. God has done such great things for me in my life and event though I felt empty, I had a tiny glimmer of hope and I had my faith.
Doesn't Go There
I received my grandmas kitchen timer that she use to use, it's an older timer that you twist to set. Grandma always had the timer over beside the stove as longs as I can remember. When I brought the timer home, I placed it on top of my stove (very top) and noticed that it had fell a couple times but I hadn't thought anything about it, I placed it back where I had it (thought it fell by bumping the stove). A couple weeks ago my husband, the kids, and I were watching a movie when we heard something fall, nothing had been in the kitchen and nothing was shaking the house ect. My husband and I looked at each other and he went to look, he found the timer had fell off of the stove. I looked at him and said "okay, mamaw says the timer doesn't go on the stove". I just kind of laughed it off and went on but it felt nice for a moment to believe it.
It's gonna be alright again
I took the kids to my moms last week so they could get out of the house a while and so I could do some spring cleaning. I also received a music player relative to a snow globe that you twist to make play the tune which is placed on a bookshelf that was my grandmas and placed by a few ceramic items that were hers. I was home alone, cleaning my room and had been for a little while when all of the sudden, one of those music playing objects started playing. I wasn't scared and didn't get any cold feeling but it was definatly odd. The music played for a whole 60 seconds. After weeks of heart wrenching and feeling lost. I felt that my grandma was sending me a message that it will be alright again.
My grandma was a shoulder for anyone when they needed it, she would help anyone she could. We all know that grandmas have a special place in our lives and myn was so near to my heart. As I said, I have I have struggled to find reasoning or answers. Almost every time I visited with her, my grandma would tell me how beautiful I was and that I was "an old woman". What she meant by this was that I was an old soul, I like to hang my laundry, had wash my dishes, that I grew up quickly and looked at the world in a matured way and enjoyed the simple things in life. I learned so much from her and just this last week God has spoke to me and reminded me of things she has taught and told me over the years. My answer didn't come in "my time", but rather in time for me. Why? The answer is because he is God and I am not, HIS will was done. God is working on my heart and though it hurts to see the farm be sold off and to take the steps to move on, I am doing it slowly.
I will go on by being happy with myself and staying strong in my faith in God. I will teach my children the life skills that my grandparents have passed on to me. I will forgive and help others as often as I can. I will do my best not to judge others as I am not perfect myself. I will spread the stories that have been passed on to me as I grew up.
God is showing me to lead by the example my grandparents gave, because..
I'm bent but I'm not broken, I'm stronger than I feel
I'm made of flesh and bone,not made of steel
I'm the Keeper Of The Flame
the teller of the stories
for the ones that came before me
When I'm drowning
when I'm fighting
when I'm screaming
when I'm hiding
when I'm loosing
when I'm winning,
I go back to the beginning
I'm The Keeper Of The Flame.-Miranda Lambert
